When Men Behave Badly by David Buss

Author:David Buss
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2021-04-27T00:00:00+00:00

Defenses to Combat and End Stalking

Victims of stalking have a number of defenses at their disposal. Professor Duntley and I developed a website specifically to help victims—www.stalkinghelp.org. It is available in both English and Spanish, so if you know someone who is a victim, you can refer them to this website for detailed information about victim services, legal remedies such as restraining orders, and links to other helpful victim websites. Another excellent resource is the work of Michele Pathé, whose book Surviving Stalking remains one of the best sources of advice for stalking victims and those who care about them.

This section highlights a few defenses that may help, with the important qualification that no defense works 100 percent of the time, and some stalkers are notoriously persistent in circumventing these defenses. The fact that the typical stalker perpetrates their crime for roughly ten months, and some persist for years, defying restraining orders and the threat of jail time, is a testament to their relentlessness. Rejected romantic stalkers, as noted earlier, are among the most persistent. Nonetheless, knowledge can help empower stalking victims.

Enlisting social support is one of the first and most important lines of defense and perhaps the most evolutionarily ancient. Friends and family members can function as bodyguards. Humans are an intensely social species. We evolved in small-group living, surrounded by kin and allies. The amount of social isolation in the modern world has created a profound mismatch, but it can be remedied.

Gathering social support deters stalkers in several ways. It sends a signal that the victim is not alone. Social allies can also bear witness, providing independent corroboration of the stalker’s actions. They can call the police should the stalking become dangerous. They can become witnesses should legal proceedings take place. And they can rally their own social allies should more reinforcements be needed. Let close friends or family know your schedule and where you will be. Some stalking victims feel too ashamed to alert allies; some blame themselves for the stalker’s conduct. Overcome these barriers and activate your social network.

Ceasing all contact with the stalker is one of the strategies most frequently recommended by stalking experts.38 Stalkers often construe any interaction as rewarding, even if it’s negative. Reasoning and logic rarely work. They give the stalker hope that the romantic relationship can be renewed. If the stalker calls fifty times, do not answer; have the number blocked. Pleading with the stalker to stop rewards him with contact. Angry outbursts at the stalker, ironically, also can inadvertently give him the attention he seeks. Do not return gifts; the stalker will view this as engagement. It must be recognized, of course, that cutting all contact can be difficult for stalking victims to implement since they worry that doing so might enrage the stalker.

Equip yourself with defenses. Have emergency numbers on speed dial. Make sure your apartment or house is secure, doors dead-bolted and windows locked. Change your locks if the stalker has a key or can access one. Use shades or drapes to block visual access from the outside.

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